Motorola, Crapola, It's All the Same to Me!

I've had a few Motorola cell phones in the past and, aside from the original analog that I started out my mobile phone experience with, they've all sucked. The fact that the Motorola stocked has plunged, and I mean plunged, is no mystery to me. When you package a steady stream of crap, folks are gonna eventually stop buying it.
So, through my progressions of phones, I've tried to steer clear of the Big M if I could. Of course, my darling children double as total phone annihilators, ruthless in their campaign to destroy all wireless communication. Though I keep a watchful eye on each new cell, if it's in the vulnerable grasps of Ridge and Rolan for even a second, it's plunged in the toilet or shattered against a wall. And off I go the cell phone store again.
When I was recently rendered phoneless once again, a friend offered me a Motorola Razr. Before you read any further, please know that I am in no way complaining about this generosity. I was pretty excited, truthfully. It was brand new and it was a RAZR, the anointed rock star of the cell phone world. I figured if Britney can stumble pantyless out of the club, often colliding with the business end of cold concrete, but keep her RAZR in tact, surely the hell mine could survive two little boys.
I so rarely get to look cool, I was particularly on guard with this phone. Now I know the RAZR is now a little dated as far as the super trendy are concerned, but if I get in a craze before it's considered vintage, then that's cause enough for celebration. I'm proud to report that I successfully keep my phone-crushing heathens away from it.
It broke anyway.
For one real reason. It sucked.
I shrugged if off, figuring it must've suffered from some known factory defect. Why else would someone just give it to me?
My mom was in the hospital and I was still bunking in the corner of her room on that Gitmo Bay cot the hospital so courteously provided me with. Rowdy, super dad that he is, was totally handling the home front. (Note to self: Aww, he is a good man. Try to remember that, Shonda, during the Great Bud Light War of 2008). But, I thought I needed a phone. I mean, we had a enough going on without me going into a full cell phone withdrawal. The thought of even driving to the local grocery store without a phone glued to my ear is cause for total panic. I know, I know, it's dangerous to operate a vehicle and a cell phone at the same time. At least I'm not driving buzzed up -- anymore.
So, I called the local phone dealer and requested the cheapest phone they had in stock, which, by the way, is how I always select my next phone. Well, low and freakin' behold, that would be the Motorola RAZR. I almost went for the one $5 up, but I convinced myself that my first pink RAZR went the way of the trash bin for unexplained reasons. It wasn't because all RAZRs are worthless pieces of shit, I told myself.
I was wrong, tragically, horribly wrong. It turns out, all RAZRs are, in fact, pieces of shit. Just like my first fancy schmancy RAZR, this one won't hold a charge for longer than 30 minutes of brainless babble. You know I'm lost without my phone. How is my house ever going to get cleaned if I can't talk on it for longer than that? It's the only way I can pull myself away from the crack that is the Internet.
This RAZR is still operational, but just a week or so after I pulled it from its sealed boxing, it's already starting to show the failing symptoms of the first. That's how I know it, too, will soon take its final resting place in the bottom of my kids' toy box.
So, heed my warnings, my precious readers. I know the RAZR is cool. I've seen the candid photos of Lindsay storming passed stalking paparazzi with hers glued to her cheek, too. But, here's the thing: apparently Motorola knows our witless desire to mold ourselves in their flashy images, so they just keep these celebretards in an endless stream of crappy RAZRs and other Motorola brand junk. Have you ever noticed that none of our famous friends tote, for example, the iPhone or the Blackberry? Do you know why? Well, let me tell you. It's because Apple and RIMM don't have to throw away tons of cash keeping these self-indulgent babies in phones. Consumers keep buying theirs because, here's a gimmick, they freakin' work.
I love you, my darling readers. Your welfare is my top concern. So please, my loves, cut the RAZR. I don't care how bulky or uncool the other cell option is, go with it.